Grandmother’s place

“You don’t visit me enough and when you do, you leave too soon!”, my grandmother complained in her weary and feeble voice. Her words choked me up but neither did I took her reproach to my heart nor defended myself against her failing health. I took her hands into mine, placed my fingers gently over her bangles, stopping them from slipping away whilst her attention wasn’t on them, and assured her, “I’ll come soon this time, I promise.” She came slightly forward to the outside of the gate and hugged me with all the strength left in her.

My heart was thumping inside my chest, my face was all hot and red. I turned away briskly, parted her goodbye, and boarded the cab hurriedly. It was time for me to leave for the night full of sweet dreams cannot come unless the Sun goes away.

I didn’t turn back to wave at her. I was too weak for that. Rather I looked at her sheepishly in the rear-view mirror, like a hapless lover looking at his beloved for one last time. She was still standing at the gate with a red-colored shawl wrapped around her and at that moment, I knew that she was more courageous than I ever could be in my life. Her fragile body, bent shoulders, and wrinkled face paled in comparison to her iron determination that made her brave the chilly evening breeze for that one last, warm goodbye from me.

I opened the window of the cab to let some air in. It was cold yet felt warm. It came from the faraway mountains yet felt familiar, for it carried the scent of my grandmother’s gajra. As I made my way ahead, I saw the garden go past me where we used to go for a stroll after our evening tea and how she used to ditch her cane happily, for she had me.

There is a bench in the middle of the garden where we used to sit in silence. One day, I saw her gazing intently at the children who were playing, running, and screaming at the top of their vocal cords. I didn’t bother her, for she seemed to be lost in the fond memories of her childhood. A few minutes later, she said proudly, “You were louder than they all are. You know when you were small…..” Her words caught me by surprise for it wasn’t her childhood but mine that was her favorite. She remembered everything so vividly as if it were a lullaby that she sings daily to herself, before her bedtime.

The cab came to a halt and the driver coughed, derailing my train of thoughts. We were at the station. I asked him astonishingly “We arrived early, didn’t we?.” He chuckled softly and said, “Yes, we did. It’s only in big cities where we never make it on time. But here, it’s different. You could have stayed a little longer”, he remarked emphatically in his hoarse voice, his beard and hair beaming grey in the headlights of the other passing vehicles.

Before going in, I turned back to take one last look at this city, glancing over it quickly and greedily to leave nothing, not even the chipped paint on the opposite building or the misspelled words on the hoardings. I didn’t use the camera, for it can’t capture what one’s teary eyes and the needy heart can.

I stepped unwillingly inside an empty, half-lit compartment of the stationed train with only a few voices audible in the distance. The train wasn’t supposed to leave for another half-an-hour. I settled myself at the window seat and relaxed my head. Maybe she knew that my heart was pounding, maybe she knew that goodbyes were not my thing yet she stood there till the end. That’s what she does every time. She doesn’t go inside unless I am out of her sight and she probably leaves the gate ajar too. That’s her way of seeing me off. At that moment, I wished I could be like her, doing things without expecting anything in return.

The train whistled, it was time for it to leave. The people were all around the place, hurriedly coming in and getting down, the commotion outside made me forgot the one inside me. The train started moving, trailing so slowly as if giving us a chance to get down. It was time to call her.

She answered the phone and asked right away “Has the train started?”, to which I replied instantaneously, “Yes, you can close the gate now”, she laughed loudly and said, “I’ll do that right away. Be safe. Bye.” As I hung up the phone, I felt tension releasing from my body. She certainly sounded better, or was it all an act? I looked around and realized that the train had already picked up the speed. I took out a book to read, folded my legs, and sat comfortably only to find myself more unsettled than earlier, for all I could read everywhere was “You could have stayed a little longer.”